Ironically enough, what's been keeping me from doing my english homework for the past hour has been my english teacher's blog, which I just stealthily found after hearing him mention it to someone the other day. I just need to get some of these quotes down because I'm fascinated by how smart (and hilarious) he is, and I'm sure you'll enjoy them too because he is SO FUNNY.
(background info: CCD is like a catholic school thing we all had to do from elementary through middle school for 2 hours once a week. It was TORTURE. Anyways.)
"Today I imagined myself teaching Emma’s first grade CCD class. I would start by asking the little ragamuffins to draw a picture of evil. They’d most likely be befuddled, not having given much thought to evil, and expecting to sing something like “Jesus loves the little children, all the little children of the world. Red or yellow, black or white, they are precious in his sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world.” But homey don’t play that in my CCD class."
"Perhaps no song better illustrates the poor parenting theme in children's music than "Five Little Ducklings." In the song, five little ducklings go over the hill and far away. When Mama Duck says quack quack quack, only four come back. Very likely this should cause concern for a mama, but not so this one. The next day, four little ducklings amble over the same hill. Quack quack quack. And only three little ducklings come back. While you and I might see a pattern developing here, the valium besotted Mama Duck the next day permits the remaining three to leave for the hill all alone, and guess how many heed duskfall's quack quack quack. That's right: two. You'd hope that some concerned neighbor might call Child Protective Services. But no. So the pattern continues until no duckies return home and Mama Duck has the gall, the gall, to be sad. Sad! She finally waddles her own lazy ass over the hill where her little ducklings are all congregated, presumably lost, cold and hungry."
"Honestly, I did not watch any of “Rock Star: Supernova” except for ten minutes of the Grand Finale last night. So don’t think that my observation here reflects dedicated hours of attention to reality television. Here’s what I learned:
To be cool, you have to say bitch a lot. As in, “Yo, I need to rock this bitch now.” You also have to say that everything kicks ass. I don’t mind saying that something is kick-ass every now and again, but if you’re on a television show that will make you a rock star, then you have to say “That kicks ass, bitch” over and over again. And you have to do it in prime time on network television. And then your network news department has to run pieces that lament the decline of American culture."
"So yes, I’m rockin’ some product in the salt-and-pepa today. After Jimmy Z activated a man crush at Roman and Reka’s wedding with his new approach to male grooming, I felt that I might try a little product in my own hair. Got something to say? Ya betta check yaself.
Of course, I stood in the rain for ten minutes, possibly to express some buyer’s remorse over said product application.
Aren’t I versatile in use of language?"
"How sad is it that my work email returns any missive that contains profanity? No f-bombs thanks to the profanity filter, not even in essay drafts where the word might serve a purpose. No wonder I never get any of my mother’s emails."
I hope you enjoy those. He definitely made my night.
sad
happy
drained
tired
hopeful
determined
depressed
nostalgic
crazy